Getting Ready

The whole screening process for our adoption went much quicker than we anticipated. Everyone advises you to be prepared for a long wait, and in our mind it would take 4-6 months to go through our screening before we would be approved to adopt. And so when we were done after one month we couldn’t quite believe it. Suddenly we were in the “waiting for our baby” phase, and we were caught off guard; we were about to become parents! This was a more sobering and scary thought than I expected it to be. And so we asked for two months to ‘get ready’ before we would be able to accept a baby.

Our reasoning was that we were going on a holiday in three weeks, my husband had a conference he was attending in a month, and we felt we needed time to get prepared. I didn’t want a new baby while my husband was away, and we wanted to get our baby room ready and settle into the ‘pregnant’ stage of our adoption. Of course, we didn’t know whether we would be matched with a child after two weeks, two months or two years. Who knows? But we still felt we needed some time.

But what does prepare mean? We were lent a cot which we set up in the baby room. We were given a pram and car seat, which we are still trying to figure out (why is it so difficult to put together and take apart? I can’t imagine doing it with a baby in tow!). We went shopping for a few baby things for the room; blankets, facecloths, towels, one or two outfits. We spoke to friends about how children have changed their lives. We went on an “expecting course” with pregnant couples to get advice on how to navigate a new addition to the family and still keep our marriage strong. We have slept in, eaten out, watched movies, watched series, dozed in bed, lay in the bath, read a good book, read any book, done nothing, and tried to do everything.

Let’s be honest, though. You are never ‘ready’, are you? We are trying to get everything ready for this baby, and we don’t even know it yet. We don’t know its likes and dislikes; we don’t know age, gender, race, or personality. We are preparing for the idea of a child, what we think it is going to be like to become a parent.

I don’t think you can ever know what it is like to be a parent until you are one. We can guess, think, assume, ask others; but we will never know fully until we receive our new addition to our family.

And so I sit in the ‘getting ready’ phase of our adoption, knowing that I will never really be ready for what is to come. Our lives are going to change in ways I cannot imagine. And yet, it is the most anticipated season of my life so far. The one thing I am more than ready for, is to love. 

Screening

To be able to adopt you need to go through a screening process. This is to make sure that you are ready to become parents. To make sure you are not making a rash decision based on feeling without thought. To ensure that if a child is placed in your home they will be loved, cared for, protected and looked after.

And so you start the process:

• Couple interviews.
• Individual interviews.
• Group sessions to discuss topics such as ‘how to tell your child they are adopted’.
• Home visits.
• Handing in a large amount of paperwork to show that you do not have a criminal record, you are financially able to care for a child, reasons why you want to adopt.
• You have to get three important people in your life to vouch for you and explain in their words why they think you would be fit as parents.

And only if you get through all of this are you put on the list to become adoptive parents.

I was happy to go through the process because a part of me is a meticulous planner who likes everything in order. It makes me feel good to sort out all our paperwork, fill it in, hand it in, and find out it was alright. Like handing in an essay and getting a good mark back. I like to tick the boxes. A part of it is the “faith by works” understanding. If you do enough good things, God will reward you; if you show them what a nice person you are, they will give you a baby.

I was also self-righteous when going through the process. I kept thinking, “how is it that I have to jump though all these hoops just to be able to adopt a child, and there are people falling pregnant all the time without anyone to watch up on them”. I felt enraged that teenagers with no money, no prospects, and no space for a child in their life could fall pregnant so ‘easily’ in a one night stand. I found it irresponsible that people with no money, proper job, or way of looking after their child could make the decision to fall pregnant, and the child would have to deal with the consequences. 
Why was there no “pregnancy readiness test” or “parents license” that you would have to get before being allowed to have a child?

Both those parts of me I have had to work through. Grace from God is UNDESERVED FAVOUR. It does not matter how much you do right, God gives because He loves you, not because you did something for Him. And if grace is extended to me, grace is extended to all. Who am I to say that a child will not have a life full of love and support, just because I don’t agree with their parents’ life decisions? God can redeem any situation for the good of those who love him. 

And so I lay aside my pride, and my works. I am so thankful to be able to receive the blessing of a child. I am thankful that God has given us such a quick and positive screening process. I thank Him for his patience with me and my sinful thoughts, and for the grace He throws into my life. The favour He gives me I do not deserve. The love He shows me I can scarcely believe. I am starting to feel the Father’s heart in the love that is stirring in me for a child I have not met. I child I have no connection to, no genetic tie, no relation, no bond. A child that is nameless, faceless, and parentless. All I know is that whichever baby God has handpicked for me – that is MY child.

Response

Imagine yourself in a stadium, surrounded by people. Sports match, Music concert; either way, there is a buzz in the air. You are waiting for something to happen, the goal to be scored, your song to be played. And then it happens. And the crowd goes wild. Everyone is on their feet, screaming, clapping, stamping, smiling. You can feel the excitement and joy in the crowd.

This is kind of the response I expected when we told people we were adopting. We had been through a process of trying and being disappointed, wanting a baby but not getting there. Then we made the decision to adopt and suddenly hope returned and our world became such an exciting place full of anticipation and exhilaration. And so I would go around telling all I could “We are adopting! We are going to be a family!”

And yet, the response we got was often not one of matched excitement and enthusiasm, but rather of slight shock, a bit of confusion, and a polite “Congrats”. Not what I was expecting! Don’t get me wrong, our close friends and family (especially those who had walked our journey with us) were supportive and happy. But others who we shared it with just could not seem to get it. One person stuck their hands in the air about to jump as they heard “we have some exciting news…”, but when we completed the sentence with “we are adopting” the hands went down and the shout of joy was choked on, with a mumbled “that’s so nice” afterwards.

A lot of people are not where we are in the journey. For us announcing our adoption is like announcing we are pregnant, for others it takes a while to sink in. Many have questions but they don’t know how to verbalize it. Why? Can’t you have biological kids? How did you get to this decision? And so instead of the celebratory hugs and high fives we sit and discuss our process and help people see where our heart is. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact, I love getting the opportunity to share with others the joy that our anticipated adopted child brings us and the journey God has walked with us. But a part of me selfishly wants people to fawn over me with kisses and hugs, squeals of delight and gushes of admiration; the kind of response I have seen friends get when they announce their pregnancy.

But I remember that we are not adopting for the response we will get. We do not need others to be excited for us for it to seem more real – it IS real, and awesome and good! I do not need to put so much importance on what others think of me and my family.

And, I know without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father is jumping up and down, hands in the air, shouting “My darling daughter is going to be a Mommy!”