Face to Face

The emotions swimming around you as you prepare to meet your child are numerous, and overwhelming. One minute you are so excited to see them, the next you are nervous they will react negatively to you, then you feel petrified at the thought that you are going to be starting on the journey of parenthood, and after that you feel drained by all thought, worry, excitement and general feelings that you have been living with!

We fetched our daughter from a home in Bloemfontein in a dry, cold July. We packed nappies, bottles, formula, clothes, and all the while we were thinking, “what if it’s not the right size? Or fit? Or shape?” We got information from the carers at the home, but we struggled to imagine our girl as a real live person. How big was 9.5kgs? What did ‘9 months old’ really mean? Words on a page were not enough anymore, we wanted to see her, hear her and feel her.

When we arrived at the home we went in to the room where all the babies lived. The carer had put our girl sitting on a blanket on the floor, and proceeded to talk to our social worker about one of the other babies. Mike and I both entered into a different world; their voices faded away as we looked at her, then each other, and then her again. Tears in our eyes, I kept thinking “she is so beautiful, she is SO beautiful”. We held hands and bent down in front of her, speaking softly and lovingly to her. The social worker left after 5 minutes and we were allowed to spend the next few hours at the home getting to know our daughter.

What an emotional journey. We sat watching her, half scared to touch her and just taking her all in. She looked at us, and then at the door, then back to us. One lone tear dropped down her cheek, but no crying. She was silent and wide eyed, checking us out. I cannot begin to understand what she must have thought on this day.  Confused, anxious, sad, everything was about to change in her life. And although I sympathized that this would be a big change, I knew what the future would look like for her…so much hope and life! And so we slowly held her hand, then picked her up, then hugged and kissed her. We fed her food, gave her a bottle, let her sleep in our arms. When it was time we said our thank yous to the carers and they said their tearful goodbyes to her. The plane ride was stressful as we contemplated all the things that could go wrong when travelling with a baby, but she slept through most of it. We got home and maternal instincts kicked in as I got her a bottle, held and cuddled her and put her to bed.

Asleep in her cot, Mike and I sat on the couch together. Our house was the same, and yet everything had changed.