The Choice

Options; I’ve always liked them. Romantic Comedy or Action DVD? Pasta or pizza? Grey jersey or Black Fleece? I always have a decision to make on what I will choose. But more often than not, I am indecisive. Most of the options I am given are good ones. Things like trying to decide whether to be a teacher or psychologist, whether to go to England or Ireland on holiday, whether to start a family or enjoy another year of married life just the two of us. There is no option that seems better or worse; they are all good! And so you have to make a decision, not on the merit of one option or another, but on what you think will be best for you, at that time, in whichever place you are in.

And so it is with adoption. My husband and I always spoke about adopting and having biological children. When we wanted to start our family the two options were both good and it was hard to decide which would be the best choice for now.  So we went ahead and started trying for a biological child. Which led to trying, waiting, failing, trying again, for about a year. And all the time, in the back of my mind, I was thinking “should we have adopted first?”

Now, I know you shouldn’t make a deal with God, because generally he honors them. But I said to my husband (and to God), “let’s try for a biological child until December and if nothing happens then we can adopt”. Well, sure enough, by December nothing had happened. Now I’m thinking, well something might be wrong so I should go to the gynaecologist; if nothing is wrong we can keep trying, if something’s wrong then we will just adopt. So we went to the gynae and she found cysts on my ovaries, which does not mean infertility but does mean a longer or more difficult process to fall pregnant.  So I had to look at my attitude. First of all, if both options were good options, why was I resisting adopting and making deals with God? Secondly, what was holding me back from embracing adoption as our first port of call in starting a family?

And so, on a weekend away in March this year, my husband and I sat and talked and cried and prayed and made the choice. I had to realize that I had desired pregnancy for so long that I had been hesitant to give it up. Men only become fathers when their child is placed in their hands, for women it starts with the baby inside you. I had to be okay with being “pregnant” in terms of expecting a baby that would not come from me. I had to let go of the doubts and fears that muddy the waters; the little thoughts that cloud your judgment when making a choice. Will I love this child enough? Will they meet my expectations? Will I bond with them? Will race be an issue? I decided to trust in myself, my family and in God. The rest will work itself out. And so it came time to make a decision; keep going the way we were going, or make a choice to stop trying and to choose adoption.

There comes a time in your life when you have to make a choice. I don’t know what yours will be; all I know is that it will be the moment when you know your life is going to change forever. And so I have made my choice, and this is the beginning of my brand new life.